I haven’t had a drink in almost 8 months. And no, I’m not pregnant. I would love to go on and start talking how quitting drinking affects your anxiety and depression (both in positive and negative ways), how your social life makes a 180 degree turn, or how your priorities completely change. However, as the article’s title suggests we are here to talk about sober sex this is what we’ll do.

Among all the ups and downs of a freshly sober alcoholic, one of the most challenging experiences turned out to be dating. I mean dating is a challenge to start with, and we all have our tools and ways to deal with its awkwardness. It could be a drink or two before the date to give yourself some fake courage and confidence, or just drinking during the date to smoothen up the conversation and ease the chemistry between the people involved. In fact - it is so common to drink, sometimes to excess, on first dates that at the beginning of my sober dating life I found myself sitting at bars, drinking non alcoholic beers while my dates quickly approached the “I’m fucking wasted” level.

Which made me realize that even though I was trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist, the act of not drinking is a big deal. You see, our social lives are often formed and based around drinking, with all non-written but firm rules around communicating and chilling “over a drink”. Even the sole experience of participating in an activity is supported by drinking. Most events in our lives that we associate with belonging to a group are indeed related to drinking - ‘Ladies night out”, “Watching the game with the boys”, weddings, birthday parties, office parties, you name it.

So, pretty understandably, for my first few months of sobriety, I couldn’t even imagine dating. The thought of having to talk and flirt with someone without the confidence and comfort only previously obtained solely from two glasses of wine, 3 beers or few cocktails, was making me cringe. But eventually, forced by high levels of horniness, the very human desire for connection, and my efforts to adjust to the new found joy of not drinking I decided to start dating again. And yes it was and still is a hell of a ride and it definitely takes time to get used to. But I believe it is so worth it.

So now 8 months into sobriety, and around 6 months into sober dating and sex I am attempting to describe the whirlpool of emotions and thoughts one experiences during this process. To give you some background:

On me drinking: I started drinking the same time I started having sex, around the age of 16. My first sex was drunk sex at a party and for the next 20 years to follow I simply don’t remember an occasion when I would have sex completely sober. I was/am also a pretty heavy drinker - some might say a problematic drinker, an alcoholic or any term you fancy. Being sober is the best decision I ever made in my life. On me dating: I don’t date in the strict monogamous, heterosexual way of dating. I am not going on a date with the purpose to meet a guy and have a long term relationship with him. I date people and these dates sometimes turn into great sexual experiences, long term lovers, or friendships. I don’t mind dating for the sexual experience of it, or creating something more permanent. It really depends what the people involved want and need.

One night stands become almost impossible and finding sexual partners gets more difficult. Ok, so this was a big and unpleasant (at the beginning) surprise for me. I’ve had my fair share of one night stands, especially in Brooklyn when I was actively exploring. The hookup culture made instant gratification from sex so easy, and I couldn’t just stand there and not enjoy it. First dates at bars, laughing and having pleasant conversations, smoothened up by the drinks consumed, easily turned into going home and having sex. The thing is that alcohol gives you this fake excitement and the illusion of chemistry between you and the person in front of you. You can easily justify having sex with this person, because they are super cute, you get along and you feel the chemistry. Not the case when you are sober. Truth is this is all created by your 3-drinks-in non realistic judgement of the situation. If you take the alcohol out of the equation a lot of these first dates completely lose their charm and the excitement of the fake chemistry is gone. It gets more difficult to justify having sex with the person in front of you, because your judgement is not clouded by alcohol. All of a sudden they dont look as cute and you don’t get along that amazingly well. To simplify it - you get more picky who you sleep with. Which leads us to the fact that

Photo by Stefan Cosma on Unsplash

you start looking for a deeper connection even for short experiences. This all comes rather naturally, and has a lot to do with communication. Even though being sober makes the first few moments on a date a bit more awkward, the conversations that happen after are much easier to navigate and appreciate. I’ve had so many interesting conversations in the first hour of first sober dates, while I can’t remember having any of those on my drunken ones. Being able to read the person in front of you, and communicate well your point is crucial for productive conversations.

You also find it easier to communicate your sexual desires, which evolves into intimacy. Don’t get me wrong - I have always thought intimacy is the best experience you can get out of sexual play. But it is hard to sense it when you are stumbling around trying to not appear too drunk, or in general being so far in the drinking game that intimacy is not on the agenda.

But intimacy is the shit that makes you high and wet when you touch or kiss your partner.

I feel much more in sync with my partners now when I’m not drinking. Communication is easier, and the intimacy and joy between us creates a safe space to dive into and further explore. Which is one of the reasons you become less selfish. You honestly become so much more aware of your partner’s reactions, that inevitably you start appreciating them more. Which is not to say you are putting your own pleasure on the back burner, not at all. But sex becomes more about togethereness, instead of equal pleasure distributed to all partners. And yes, the pleasure of my partners was always important to me. But I do notice much less non-verbal cues when I drink, and my reaction times are much slower. Not even to mention that by the time the date evolves to sex i can be way too drunk and any type of involvement on my side would be sloppy and not that attentive. I mean I have fallen asleep during sex, yes.

However, having sober sex makes it impossible to fall asleep, because you fucking feel everything. Like, EVERYTHING. Your clitoris, vagina, nipples, whole body are not numbed down by the alcohol you consumed, therefore your senses are going crazy. This is especially true for the clitoris, which just started a new life on its own, filled with new fun sober sensations. Mind you tho, feeling everything is a double-edged sword, as you can be very sensitive to touch. I still remember almost jumping in pain when a guy was rubbing my clitoris a bit too intense for few seconds, or pretty much screaming when someone was rough on my nipples. These were all things I’ve experienced before without the heightened sensation. Now this is maybe the time to mention that I always had difficulties orgasming with a partner. I am not going to go as far as to say sobriety changed that.

But I definitely came more times with a partner in these 8 months than in my whole life before sobriety.

It could be age and feeling more comfortable with my body or it could be a combination between all these factors. Whatever it is, I am sure sobriety is helping me experience sex in a different way and am fully enjoying my newly discovered orgasmbility.

Apart from all these very personal benefits, not drinking also has some very obvious advantages, such as making sex safer and much more pleasurable. The times when drunk me would have unprotected sex are more that I would like to admit. Of course it seems like the best idea while it’s happening, but the panic mode, and all STD tests you need to do after the act are no fun. On the other hand sober me always uses protection, and expects it from her partners. We can’t talk about drunk sex without mentioning the inability to perform (or temporary erectile dysfunction), which happens to men often under the influence of alcohol. The thing is, when you don’t drink you get more creative in where and how you are dating. Instead of going to a bar you go to a park. Instead of drinking beer you drink water. Instead of going for wine infused dinner, you go for a walk. All these non drinking activities provide your date with the chance of not drinking as well, which immediately lowers the chances of not being able to perform. And yes, being sober significantly decreases the possibility of sexual abuse, especially abuse coming from the person picking you at the bar, or this hot random stranger.

Sober sex is not always amazing, your insecurities don’t disappear with the drinking. But I feel that not drinking is helping me create a healthier base for my relationships, sexual or not. It makes communication, bonding, and intimacy possible. And it makes knowing and loving your own self just a bit easier.

lede image by Annie Spratt on Unsplash