Sluttish
What is BDSM and why do I like it
I had my first taste of BDSM in the middle of Berlin’s dark and cold winter. It was with the loveliest and tender couple and included lots of toys and tools such as rope, a flogger, a restriction bar, and the oh so lovable, and famous magic wand. Given all the tools we’ve used one would imagine there was a lot of pain involved, but actually, the whole experience was very sweet and light. At the same time, I was dating a guy, who enjoyed rough sex, and the mere reason for us dating was our common sexual preference. I specifically remember having a conversation about these different experiences with myself and concluding I preferred the roughness I was experiencing with him over the more involved and purer BDSM (in my mind) experience with the couple. I was thinking, that using tools, such as restriction bars and rope was a form of BDSM, while rough sex wasn't. Turns out, tools are not necessary for having fun and there are a lot of different flavors and ways to approach the vast and wonderful world of BDSM. I was just discovering what I like and don't like, just barely dipping my toe in the waters of consensual kink. A year and a half later, I’m still very new to the scene, and there is a lot of exploration to be done (yay!), but I feel comfortable talking and being open about it. It can be an amazing journey to embark on, but there are some specifics, which are good to know before enjoying your risk-aware consensual kink.
KINK vs BDSM
When I started exploring, I imagined kink and BDSM being the same thing. This, however, is not the case - now I would consider kink being the broader term for sexual activities that are considered unorthodox and unconventional. I find the term to be subjective, as some people might think of a certain activity as kinky, while others will consider it a regular practice. I’ve also seen the word being used in a negative way, as in “yuck, too kinky for me”, which is why the “don’t yuck my yum” slogan has been used in relation to sexual preferences lately. Even though it has its flows, “kink” provides a broad definition of different sexual practices, and creates a community where people can celebrate and enjoy the options available. These might include foot fetish, role-playing, swinging, BDSM and many more.
There are two different doctrines that aim to provide a set of rules in BDSM, and these are SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) and RACK (Risk-aware consensual kink). Although both of them make complete sense, SSC tends to be more subjective (as in - who decides what is safe and sane? The dominant? The submissive? The public (if its a performance)? This is why more and more people use RACK to define the boundaries of their play. Risk awareness implies that all people involved are aware of the risks taken, and the consequences of those risks. In general, the more information you have and the more informed consent you can give the better, but this is especially crucial for edge play.
For me, in order to enjoy a kinky play, I need these 3 elements to be present: 100% trust in my partner(s), communication and consent, and risk awareness. I discovered that if any of these are missing, I can’t really let go and allow myself to feel completely vulnerable within the comfort of a safe, controlled environment. And to me being vulnerable is why I enjoy BDSM on the first place. In relationships, we aim to be at our most open in order to fully feel and celebrate the intimacy we create with another human being. We long to be vulnerable so we can be seen, and not only by our partners but also by our own selves. To be fully accepted and appreciated with our weirdness, goofiness, and kinkiness. Being seen can be such a relief, a scream in the open, a heavy exhale after a whole life of holding your breath. For me, it is the reward for being vulnerable - the relief you experience, the feeling that you no longer have to hold your breath, the total acceptance of your own self.
This special and tender intimacy is much more intense and extreme in a BDSM session. In a session, the emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical vulnerability creates an intimate space, where you can safely explore your deepest desires and fantasies. And this is where you want to be, at this completely new level of intimacy, rooted in acceptance and appreciation. When another human being is showing themselves to you in the same raw and vulnerable position, you get the mind-blowing experience that keeps me digging and going deeper into the world of BDSM. In it, you feed your sensations with those of your partners’ and in the process, you all create an energy exchange that gets you high and excited and wanting to push boundaries, take risks and go a step further.
This sort of exchange has a lot to do with belonging - not to a group, a party, or another human structure, but to a moment, specific dynamic or a sensation you experience. In this belonging, your world shrinks and involves only you and your partners. It is a transformative experience, that could be elevated to subspace, more typically experienced by submissives.
SUBSPACE
Subspace is a state of mind and body, often compared to being in a trance, being drunk or high. It is sometimes connected to the pain received by a submissive, but it can also be achieved by being restricted (as in being tied, suspended etc), or other types of play. Combining these sensations with pleasure produces both endorphin and enkephalin, thus causing something very close to a prolonged euphoria*. You feel light and happy, sometimes not very coordinated or coherent. It is often times compared to runners high, but also described as out of body experience, losing touch with the real world, not being present. For a lot of people, this is the end goal of BDSM sessions, but I believe it is the road that makes it worthy.
What does BDSM stand for : BDSM => B + D = Bondage and Discipline // D + S = Dominance and Submission // S + M = Sadism and Masochism
There are so many options and combinations available for you in the world of BDSM that I can not possibly cover them all here. You will see the categories intertwine a lot. I often find myself wondering - is spanking part of BD, DS or SM? Is orgasm denial under Discipline or Domination? Is breath play DS or SM? What makes a specific impact technique SM or DS - is it the level of pain? It can also be just personal preference - some people might like a certain type of spanking that involves role-playing as a school girl/boy being spanked by the teacher (DS), while others will enjoy the pure pain aspect of an intense spanking session (SM). Some people would want to be tied up and played with (BD) or flogged hard while being tied (SM). You don’t need to have a strict separation between categories, as mentioned above things often overlap and this is part of the fun :)
Bondage and Discipline is the first category of BDSM and the closest to my heart. Bondage involves physical restriction of one’s body in a sometimes sexual way. The tools used can be anything you can restrain with, from handcuffs and rope to a cotton ribbon for lighter uses.
Shibari or traditional Japanese bondage is more elaborate bondage technique that often involves suspension. It was originally used as a way to restrain prisoners in Japan, hence the torturous nature of some of the ties (TK for example). Shibari, depending on the way it is done, could be very painful and/or exciting, but for me, it is intimate and sexual. Bondage like this usually creates an endorphin rush in the person being tied and a certain level of high (also known as “rope high” or "rope drunk").
Because of the nature of bondage, there are very defined dominant/submissive or rigger/model (or rope bunny, of which term I'm not a big fan, to be honest) roles. A lot of people add the SM element to it with spanking, flogging, caning, or some other type of impact play. For others, the enjoyment of bondage comes from the process of tying and they do not need extra stimulation.
Discipline, on the other hand, is defined by psychological restraint, implemented by specific rules and punishment activities. A lot of these activities also fall under the dominance and submission category, but the context is a bit different. For example, under discipline, one might choose to spank their submissive due to their bad behavior, while in DS it could be part of a role-play.
Dominance and Submission practices are probably the broadest and the most difficult to define. In general, DS includes role-playing (where one of the partners has the authority - teacher and student, queen and servant) , service (where one partner “serves” the other by doing sexual or non-sexual chores, such as cleaning, shopping etc.), control (asking for permission to masturbate or orgasm, having specific rules for allowed activities, humiliation (both sexual or non sexual).
image from Wonder Woman comics. The author of WW (William Marston) was a bondage enthusiast, living in a polyamorous relationship with his wife and a second female partner
Probably the biggest kick and satisfaction I get form Dominance and submission is the transfer of power and control between partners. Power play can be indeed very powerful, and provide both partners with adrenaline and endorphin rushes.
Pain is the milestone of the Sadism and Masochism part of BDSM and to a lot of people the scariest of them all. This was a big no for me for a long time, even though my first experience involved some light pain. The thing is that when people imagine pain they go big, and often think about painful bruises, blood, or even hooks on the skin. Although these are options that some explore and find hot, it is not necessary to go there. You can and should set your own comfortable pain boundary. It could be light nipple pinching or a gentle spank on your bum. It could also involve nipple clamps (I, myself have a hard time with those) or whips and floggers. The important thing is to know your body and the level of pain you can tolerate, and of course, if it makes you hot or not. I know plenty of people who stay away from pain, and if this is not your thing make sure to let your partner(s) aware of this.
Another thing about pain is that it takes all this 100% trust and power exchange up a notch (or notches). When you are being vulnerable and exposed physically, and not only emotionally and psychologically, your mind does wonderful things to your body and vice versa. To be honest, my biggest enjoyment of pain so far has been the anticipation of it - this blend of fear and lust, the sweet spot between excitement and nervousness. It is something my mind gets utterly confused by, and therefore is a reason for my body to celebrate and explore deeper.
Whatever you choose to enjoy, or whatever combination of BDSM categories you pick, be aware of the risks you are taking, communicate and have fun. In Part 2 I will cover some negotiation rules, soft and hard limits, safe words, and roles you can play.
/* It is important that your partner(s) knows how to detect this state and make sure you are safe.
lede image by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash